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Old 07-28-2013, 04:06 AM
p8536 p8536 is offline
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Default Can you help me?

Hi dr.luciani,
My husband and I had once made a promise/pact to each other about not engaging in masturbation separately from each other, but instead show our passion and fulfill those needs together with each other openly. For years that has been the case, until I found out that he had broken that promise long ago, and lied to me about it for years. Sexually we are very united and fullfilled and he knows how important and sentimental this promise was for me, since it was a way to show our intimacy and create a deeper union. I'm deeply hurt by the fact he has lied to me all these years about it, as I've always worked towards having an honest relationship where we could be open with each other regardless of how taboo things may be. This makes me doubt him and I see it as a big betrayal of trust since he would always repeatedly say he never did it. I would have never found our about the fact that he was lying until I asked a question which unleashed the truth. He never came to me about it, and maybe never wouldn't have. He has always known that this aspect of our relationship is important to me and holds a lot of sentimental value. I feel very betrayed and am now doubting a lot of the things he has said. I also feel like I'm always the one pushing our relationship into a deeper connection, and he doesn't try. I don't know what to think or feel. Please help me.

Thank you.
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Old 07-28-2013, 01:40 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
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There appear to be two issues involved with this problem. The first issue is the fact that your husband lied to you and the second issue is restoring trust. It's understandable that you're feeling betrayed based on your agreement. I suspect (or guess) that your husband wanted to fulfill his part of the bargain but was unable to comply. As to whether or not your agreement was, in itself, unsustainable or perhaps too rigid, is certainly debatable, but for our purposes this is not the issue.

The problem could be stated that rather than telling you he was masturbating and couldn't live up to the agreement, your husband instead chose a path of deception. And herein lies a fundamental problem--communication. Opening up this discussion can turn out to be a very good thing. I'm only guessing but perhaps from the start, your husband was engaging in a promise that possibly he knew he couldn't keep. If this were the case, and if his motive was to please you, he might have suppressed his trepidation (and resolve) about the agreement from the start. Regardless of what actually happened, it's important for the two of you to open this up for discussion. Your husband needs to help you understand his thinking and why he felt unable to be completely honest. Perhaps (again guessing) he felt he would disappoint you and didn't want to hurt you...understanding his perspective on this would be critical to ultimately resolving the issue, which may need to be a compromise, one that incorporated each of your sexual needs and realities. Trust can begin to be restored with honest, open discussions. I encourage you to use this a catalyst for renewed growth and love.

Yours,
Dr. Joe


Disclaimer: The diagnosis of clinical anxiety or depressivedisorders requires a physician or other qualified mental health professional.The information provided is intended for informational purposes only. Pleaseunderstand that the opinions shared with you are meant to be general referenceinformation, and are not intended as a diagnosis or substitute for consultingwith your physician or other qualified mental health professional.

Self-Coaching.net provides accessto resources and other information as a public service. Although reasonableefforts have been made to ensure that all electronic information made availableis current, complete and accurate, Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. (Dr. Joe) does notwarrant or represent that this information is current, complete and accurate.All information is subject to change on a regular basis, without notice.

Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D., assumesno responsibility for any errors in the information provided, nor assumes anyliability for any damages incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, ofthe use and application of any of the contents of the Self-Coaching.netWebsite.

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Old 08-22-2013, 04:01 PM
p8536 p8536 is offline
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Hi again Dr.Luciani,

Since my last message, my husband and I have had gone through a rollercoaster ride of emotions. We discussed why he broke the agreement, and he said that he didn't want to hurt me by telling me and that he didn't have the courage to go up to me to tell me. This has left me very sad, especially though because he has told me that on rare occasions, thoughts of others might pop into his head while he does it, as a passing thought. He says that this happens very rarely, and sometimes the people aren't real, and that it's a bunch of fragmented things that go through his mind, most of it about us, but at rare times about other people. He has told me that it is all meaningless to him, that masturbating is not sexy or emotional to him, that he doesn't lust or have feelings for anyone, that these passing thoughts mean nothing but help him relieve himself, at a level of bodily function. Even though he's has now been honest to me about why he didn't tell me, and about what goes through his head, it's left me very numb. It's hard for me to trust him, and also to see him the same way after knowing that at times during masturbating, he may have thoughts about other people, though they are passing, it still hurts he uses the thoughts to get off. I'm confused about how I feel. I know I should be happy with him being honest, and the fact that he does masturbate rarely, and on even more rare occasions these thoughts cross his mind, that he actually wouldn't indulge in a fantasy session with anyone and that he said its like 90-95% about us usually. The rest is imaginary body parts, sensations, and at rare times the passing thought of someone. I don't know how I should feel or if I will feel the same for him again. It feels like a betrayal to me and it hurts to know he thinks of others like that. Maybe you can give me your perspective, it would be great. I don't know what to think about it.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:13 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
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I think it's important for you to understand that your husband's behavior is very typical male behavior. You need to realize that your perspective is based on your own female understanding of the physicality of sexuality. Simply put, from an evolutionary perspective eggs are more valuable than sperm. Women are hard-wired to be more conservative about sex because in primeval times getting pregnant was serious, if not life-threatening, business. Men are hard-wired in just the opposite way. There's no down side to a man expending sperm. I know this is simplistic, but men evolved with a more gregarious need to pursue sexual release, while women, although equally sexual, are not as driven by the same sexual intensity. That said, your husband is, in my estimation, in a quandary. In order to conform to your expectations, he needs to suppress his natural psycho-sexual drive for release (and by the way, sexual fantasy is also a normal part of male sexuality). Aside from the "deception" issues, I feel that your husband has been trying to find a balance between his "natural" inclinations and your expectations. Try to depersonalize your disappointment and work to understand that masturbation as well as occasional fantasy are not at all destructive to a marriage, while suppressing these inclinations or making them criteria for defining marital success, may, in fact, be detrimental to a relationship. If, on the other hand, you feel threatened by all this, it might be advantageous to explore your own insecurities to see whether or not your need for "exclusivity" is a bit too compulsive. I know many sexual therapists who would leap at the opportunity to tell you to try to relax with all this, to try to see this as normal, and to recognize that, at least on this issue, you really have nothing to worry about.

Yours,
Dr. Joe


Disclaimer: The diagnosis of clinical anxiety or depressivedisorders requires a physician or other qualified mental health professional.The information provided is intended for informational purposes only. Pleaseunderstand that the opinions shared with you are meant to be general referenceinformation, and are not intended as a diagnosis or substitute for consultingwith your physician or other qualified mental health professional.

Self-Coaching.net provides accessto resources and other information as a public service. Although reasonableefforts have been made to ensure that all electronic information made availableis current, complete and accurate, Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. (Dr. Joe) does notwarrant or represent that this information is current, complete and accurate.All information is subject to change on a regular basis, without notice.

Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D., assumesno responsibility for any errors in the information provided, nor assumes anyliability for any damages incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, ofthe use and application of any of the contents of the Self-Coaching.netWebsite.

Any electronic information or inquiriesthat Self-Coaching.net receives from members shall not be considered as, ortreated as, confidential.

The inclusion of, or linking to,other Website URLs does not imply our endorsement of, nor responsibility for,those Websites, but has been done as a convenience to our Website visitors.
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