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Old 02-28-2005, 06:45 PM
oceanwave oceanwave is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Default resentment

HI Dr. Joe!

Is it possible to overcome resentment or even the grudge? The problem is with resentment also comes reluctance and I just have no power over me. The negativity has taken over so much, that I feel almost physically ill. The problem is some ppl, that I thaught I could count on have abandoned me in at a, let me call this key, point in my life, where I really really needed them. With one person it has even happened twice and it seems impossible to me to even think about forgiving her. I dont want to forgive..ever! In fact deep down in me I wish something would happen to her, that all that she does would go wrong. I also hate and beat up myself very much for that. I have lost all the accceptance for myself. I feel alianeted and deep deep shame. I read an articel about the toxic shame and how you can personalize shame and its not something you can feel anymore it becomes you...it really scares me..and I feel it has happened to me...I have lost my life..I have fallen sooo deep, i have no job..I feel such a deep hate towards everybody almost... and I mistreat myself emotionlly, I think in order to punisch myslef I have abndoned me... Im in a very very scary place emotionally...im there alone and nobody can hear my crys....i feel I can never get out...it feels like im in hell...I have lost control over me...like almost the evil has taken over...I trust nobody, im in total isolation.... I guess there is no way out, since the deemons are always two steps ahead of me...and I cant surrender...its impossible...and I cant say absolutly anything positiv to myself. I cant even go to therapy, I could never ever show anybody how it looks like in me, so I guess therapy wouldnt help eather...


Old 03-02-2005, 12:40 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,015

As I see it, resentment and holding grudges are related to control. In my Self-Coaching books, I contend that trying to control life is what we do when we have insufficient self-trust and security. Worry, perfectionism, rumination, even hostility are all controlling strategies. These are attempts to ward off insecurity. Holding a grudge connects you to the person who has hurt you. Why? Because that person has now taken up residence in your mindÖThereís an old Zen story of two monks who happen upon a young lady in distress. The young lady asks: ìI need to cross that stream and canít do it, can one of you help?î The elderly monk picks up the young lady, carries here across and puts her down. The two monks then continue their journey. About an hour into they walk, the old monk notices the young monk is seething with anger, ìWhatís wrong?î Asks the old monk. The young monk replies: ìI canít believe you touched that young ladyÖ.you know our order forbids contact with womenÖî To which the old monk responds: ìI only touched her for a few seconds, youíve been carrying her in your mind for the past hour!î The lesson here is that when we carry someone in our minds we are not letting goÖwhy? Because, in your case, youíre actively expending energy hating, being angry, punishing, etc. This is your insecurity trying to even the score. Itís primitive and itís stressful and itís hurting you. Itís time to put this down. I recommend that you take a look at my Self-Coaching articles in this website, especially the video in the Whatís New section. Consider picking up a copy of The Power of Self-Coaching, it can teach you to not only let go of this conflict, but to address the deeper problem of insecurity that seems to be at root. Your statements, i.e., ì I trust nobody, Iím in total isolation, thereís no way outÖî are all statements distorted by insecurityís shortsightedness. You need to begin restoring your self-trust and confidence. Sure there are people who do shabby things, but itís up to you to decide whether or not you join the crowd and contribute to beating yourself up or not. Letting go and getting beyond these frustrations can be done, but first, you need to recognize that you have to stop being victimized by your own thoughts.

Disclaimer: The diagnosis of clinical anxiety or depressive disorders requires a physician or other qualified mental health professional. The information provided is intended for informational purposes only. Please understand that the opinions shared with you are meant to be general reference information, and are not intended as a diagnosis or substitute for consulting with your physician or other qualified mental health professional.

Dr. Joe

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