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Old 02-21-2005, 04:40 PM
Normalita Normalita is offline
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Default can't get over it.

:? Hi I am new here, so I am writing a long story in hopefully short form. I came here looking for answers to an age old problem of depression. 25 plus years ago my husbands father died very suddenly of a heart attack. My fil had his own business and my husband worked for him and with him very closely. When my fil died, my mil sold the business and left us to fend for our selves. My husband was able to find work, but he also took it upon himself to help his mother get the affairs that were left behind in order. She was rude and nasty to my husband. He continued to help her until he felt like she could handle things herself. All the while our children and I were waiting at the side. Anytime after this, if we needed help with something, my husband would turn to his mother and she would turn him down flat, then retaliate in some fashion, such as being mean to me or saying something to upset me. This went on for years, until we were able to move away from her. Even then she would call on the phone at odd hours like 10:00 pm just to get that attention. All through the years and even today, my husband wakes up on the weekends (mostly because that is when he has time to stop and reflect on things.) and he is mad and upset and "why is my mother so mean to me" It's the same sinerio every weekend. I have been searching for the answers to give him for the entire time. I have none. So we spend most of the weekend reliving the past 25 years and what to do about it. It's always, there is nothing we can do about it. In the last few years my husband has finally realized what I have been trying to tell him and he is seeing that she is up to no good and we need to move on from it. As of today, we moved far far away from her, we started our own business and now we are trying to expand the business. But, my husband keeps going back to why couldn't I get some help long ago. Expanding our business has been no easy task. We don't have alot of spendable money, it is all tied up in inventory and payment on equipment etc.etc. So he goes right back about how hard he has had to work, because no one will help him. We have pretty much cut his mother out of our lives, we don't call on mothers day, we don't share Christmas presents etc etc. But now my mil has sent our son some money to help with his college tuition. We have ask her not to, but she does what ever she wants anyway. Now, our son is graduating and he has invited her. He also did this behind our backs. He knows how we feel about my husbands mother, we have told him and he did it anyway. My husband is of the mind to boycott the graduation. I have told him unless we want to lose our son, we can't do that. I have been telling him that we should go, we don't have to sit by his mother, we can sit away from her ( we have other relatives coming)when the ceremony is over, we will quietly walk to our car and leave. He can't quite grasp that. He thinks we have to stand there and exchange niceties, just so we don't make a scene. All the while my husbands mother is telling him how awful his looks, she will tell him he works too much and that he should take a vacation and all the usual things. I don't think we have to put our selves in this possition. I also feel that if she is coming, my son invited her, he can deal with her and he can go to dinner with her and such. I feel it is time to take a stand and if they won't listen to us and give us just a pinch of respect for being the parents or for even being human beings, then we need to show them and if his mother and our son stand there and watch us walk away with out a word, just maybe this will hit a nerve. The years of "abuse" needs to come to an end. My husband and I both have all the symtoms of depression. It makes it very hard to run our business and even have a life. As mentioned our weekends are spent whining, if we ever find the time to go out to dinner or a movie it is a rare occasion and there have been times when my husband sat through an entire movie, then can not tell you what it is about because he didn't see it. He sat with his thoughts the whole time and didn't see the movie, even though he was staring at it. I need some help to make this cycle stop.
Thanks
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Old 02-21-2005, 08:30 PM
scarlettbandit scarlettbandit is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Default I so FEEL YOUR PAIN

I to am the byproduct of alienate the daughter in law from hell....which I know that I am not....but in their eyes....well we won't go there I am here for you.

Families god what a pain in the butt they are. Its just me my husband and my our 2.5 kids (my husband has a 17 yr old) and it always seems good within the internal family but the minute my parents or his parents get on scene ISSUES ARISE. They can be anything....while I am the worthless daughter in law, my husband is a P.I.T.A. to my parents due to him being hearing impaired. They don't like that. You can only tell how he feels. So we decided 6 months ago when situations arose that if the inlaws wanted us for things they could search for us.

Thats not working. Today there was a flare up and nothing good has come from it. Bottom line it seems as though we don't do what they want us to do. They are still of the mind that they have some modicum of control over how we think, breathe, walk, spend money etc. They can't let go. They can't appreciate that we do have our own lives and that we can quite possibly be happy with them.

I am supposed to be spending the day studying. I am in college taking 12 units but I can't let go to the situation that arose today. I am angry and hurt and I want to scream.

I don't think there is any easy way out of your situation either. I wouldn't skip your sons graduation. You know in your heart you will regret it for the rest of your life, you worked to hard to get him to where hes at. He may figure out somewhere down the line what an anal controlling woman his grandma is and be done with her. The 17 year old has with my husbands parents. Unfortunatley, your son is a big boy now and you have to let him come to his own decisions with her as I will have to let my boys come to terms with their grandparents. I refuse to put biased opinions in my childrens heads. I just monitor when grandparents are around to make sure they are not hurting them physically or mentally.

I am with you - go to graduation - enjoy it be proud of that child you help create and that individual that now is entering a whole new brave world. After the ceremony take the pictures for your memory and wish your son the best happiest evening of his life because a whole new one starts in the morning. If your MIL starts something tell her straight up NOT HERE! NOT NOW! If she continues just walk away from it.

You sound a lot like me. Sensitive, full of emotion and you so care for the ones you love even the ones that hurt you with mean words. Take a step back from it all with your man. Go out to dinner. Refocus your goals, reevaluate, restruture. Whatever it takes. She is just one woman......you two are an item, a team - work the problem out between the two of you. Sit down with your man and set the rules that this conversation will remain civlized and reason out how to handle your MIL.

Hope I helped - email me at Scarlettbandit@cox.net if you want to talk more. We sound like we are right in the same place in life. Best of luck to you.
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