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Written by Dr. Joe
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Tired of struggling? Want a better life? Simple—just do it! If you’re struggling in life, not making great choices, experiencing psychological friction in the form of doubts, fears, and negatives--even feeling anxious, or depressed, it is probably time for a bit of coaching—Self-Coaching. If any of the above symptoms are a part of your life, you probably aren’t aware that your life is being contaminated by what I call reflexive thinking. I wasn’t aware of this either, not until I had a bit of an awakening back in the late eighties when I ran my first New York City marathon. It was this race that opened my eyes to a simple truth, one that has become the cornerstone of my Self-Coaching program. Let me take you back to that fateful November day and my epiphany. It was 1988, then-Mayor, Ed Koch started the race with a blast from the ceremonial cannon. It was an unseasonably warm November day as I jockeyed for position among the 27,000 runners funneling onto the Verrazano Bridge. Although I started off with energy and adrenaline pumping (giving hi-fives to the kids along the streets in Brooklyn, laughing, and having the time of my life), it wasn’t long before I began to recognize how ill-prepared I was for what lay ahead. It was the midway point--the Pulaski Bridge in Queens--thirteen miles into the race that things began to crumble fast. It was at this point that my body and mind began to collapse. I guess I could describe what I felt as an acute form of both physical and mental depression. I just couldn’t go on. I was defeated, miserable, I felt like I wanted to die. Everything hurt, even my hair! If I could have figured out a way to get from Queens to Central Park, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would have dropped out of the race. I was desperate. It was at that moment that fate intervened. Draped over one of the buildings was a banner; it must have been two stories high! I immediately recognized the trademark Nike Swoosh; next to it were the words,” Just do it!” (Nike may have introduced this now famous slogan for the marathon, at least it was the first time I had ever encountered it) In my semi-comatose state, I read those words and something in me paused. Just do it! It sounded so simple, yet so profound. Yeah, that’s it, just do it! I put one foot in front of the other. Just do it! Another foot. Another. Somehow I finished the race that day. I’m convinced that there was no way this could have happened had I not read that sign. Three words. Three words that managed to create a small miracle. Whether it’s running a marathon, struggling with your job, relationships, or life circumstances, you need to understand the power of words. Not just words that we read on billboards or slogans we hear in TV jingles, but words we tell ourselves—our inner dialogue. And when our inner dialogue becomes contaminated with words that are driven by insecurity, we suffer. What exactly is insecurity? I define insecurity simply as a learned fear of vulnerability or chaos. And make no mistake, insecurity isn’t something that happens to someone else--it’s part of the human condition. No one grows up in a perfect world, no one has perfect parents, everyone suffers loss, separation, illness, and frustration--to a greater or lesser degree, we all have insecurity. What happens is that, because insecurity leaves us feeling out of balance and apprehensive, we begin to compensate by trying to protect ourselves--by controlling life. Worry, anticipation, rumination, avoidance, perfectionism, and so on, are just a few examples of psychological controlling strategies. We worry, for example, because we’re trying to predict what’s going to happen before it happens. Why is this control? Because if we know what’s coming ahead of time we can be ready, braced, and in control. Perfectionism is another example of a controlling strategy. It may surprise you to learn that perfectionism isn’t about trying to be perfect, it’s about trying not to mess up. If you’re perfect, people will applaud, find no fault in you or your performance, and you will be in control. Okay, so what’s so bad about being in control? Nothing, as long as it’s driven by facts and not by insecurity. When insecurity drives your need for control you’re dealing with fictions. If the doctor tells you have high blood pressure and you need to watch your salt, this is a fact. If the doctor tells you have high blood pressure and you think you’re going to have a stroke, this is a fiction and this is driven by insecurity. Bottom line: insecurity-driven control is a habit of distrust. Whenever you become victimized by doubts, fears, and negatives, then it’s safe to assume that you’ve substituted a life of control for a life of trust. There are two problems with trying to control life. First, controlling life is an exhausting way to live and will wind up depleting you, leaving you susceptible to anxiety, depression, and other forms of psychological friction. Second, controlling life is a myth--life cannot be controlled! Just ask any worrywart if attempting to control life by worrying makes things better. What you’ll learn is that not only does worry beget worry, but all forms of control lead to an ever spiraling, congested way of living. It’s this congested, reflexive kind of thinking that causes us to drift further and further away from a simple, spontaneous, and trusting life. The only sensible answer is not having to control life. Saying this differently, the answer is trusting life, not controlling it. For example, rather than worrying and ruminating about whether or not you’ll get the job you applied for, risk trusting by telling yourself, “Hey, whatever happens, I’ll handle it.” This is an admission of trust. Sure this may feel risky, but just because something feels risky doesn’t mean it is. Feelings are not facts! In order to reclaim your life from the grips of reflexive thinking, you’re going to need to begin separating facts from fictions. If your life has become contaminated by insecurity-driven habits of control, then you can take if from me, your trust muscle has atrophied and it’s time to start rebuilding it. How? Remember I said that insecurity and control are habits. In order to flourish, habits, all habits, need to be fed. You feed a habit of insecurity by allowing doubts, fears, and negatives to steer your thoughts and feelings. It has probably never occurred to you that you have a choice. That’s right, a choice not to be victimized by your own thoughts. My grandmother used to have an expression, “You can’t stop a bird from flying into your hair, but you don’t have to help it build a nest.” You may not be able to stop an insecurity-driven thought from popping into your mind, but you don’t have to add a second thought, a third thought, a fourth and so on. And this is what I learned from my marathon effort. What we tell ourselves and what we believe is what we become. I can’t change you with my words, only you can. But let me offer this caution. If you half-heartedly decide to “Just do it!” without fully embracing this concept, you will fail. If, on the other hand, you decide—really decide--to “Just do it!” and believe that you will succeed, then you will. Let’s face it; if the good people at Nike had come up with the slogan, “Just think about doing it,” I never would have finished the marathon—nor will you finish struggling if you just think about starving your habits. You must learn to just do it. |
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Written by Dr. Joe
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How do you feel about the person looking back at you in the mirror? Do you find yourself criticizing your hair or perhaps noticing that you’re a bit too pudgy? Is your nose too big? Too small? Don’t like your smile? Teeth? It may come as surprise to you to find out that what you see in the mirror--your body image--has very little to do with your physical attributes. I know this sounds strange, but the truth is, we really don’t see with our eyes—we see with our minds. Our eyes are nothing more than passive recording organs that pass images along to our brains—without judgment or criticism. Once this visual information is processed by the brain, we then interpret what we see, “Ug, I look terrible!” And this is where all your problems begin. In order to understand this phenomenon you’re going to have to understand the role insecurity plays in distorting your “visuals.” Whether you have serious problems such as anxiety or depression, or everyday skirmishes with negativity, worry, and feelings of not being okay, you can never overestimate the influence of insecurity. Early wounds, whether physical (accidents, illnesses, hospitalizations, etc.) or psychological (rejections, frustrations, broken homes, neglectful or abusive parenting, etc.), are unavoidable. From these wounds, insecurity sends its roots deep into your psyche, setting the stage for destructive patterns of thinking and perceiving. Over time, these insecure thoughts can whittle away at your psychological stamina, confidence, and self trust, leaving you feeling out of control and susceptible not only to emotional problems, put to perceptual distortions. Take the following Self-Quiz to determine how insecurity may be affecting your judgment and perception of self.
Insecurity Self-Quiz Please read the following questions carefully, but don’t overthink your responses. Circle your responses as being either mostly true or mostly false as they generally pertain to your life. Answer each question even if you’re not completely sure. Scoring is at the end of the test.
T F I tend to be shy or uneasy with strangers. T F I’d rather be at home than going out on an adventure. T F I wish I were smarter. T F I never have enough money. T F I’m usually pessimistic. T F I often wish I were better looking. T F I don’t think I’m as good as others. T F If people know the real me, they would think differently. T F In relationships, I tend to cling. T F If someone’s quiet, I might think they’re angry. T F I’m usually afraid to get too close to others. T F I would be a lot happier if I didn’t worry so much. T F I have lots of fears. T F I tend to hide my feelings. T F In relationships, I tend to get hostile T F I often wonder what people really think of me. T F I find it hard to trust. T F I worry about my looks. T F I have a hard time saying no. T F I tend to be too sensitive. T F I’m overly cautious. T F I worry about getting sick. T F I often feel guilty. T F I hate the way I look in pictures. T F I don’t think of myself as an emotionally strong person.
A score of 1 to 10 “true” answers indicates a tolerable degree of insecurity. Your body/self-image perceptions are probably only mildly distorted by insecurity. A score of 11 to 16 “true” answers indicates a moderate level of insecurity. Insecurity is probably undermining your capacity for effective, undistorted perceptions of your body. If you scored 17 or more “true” answers, your self-perceptions may be suffering from substantial interference due to insecurity.
How Does Insecurity Distort You’ve probably had the experience where you tell someone, “I just can’t stand the way I look, I feel so unattractive,” only to have your listener scrunch up their brow, responding, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you look fine!” Assuming you’re getting a truthful response from your friend, how do we explain this discrepancy? For starters, your friend is looking at all of you, not just the zit on your forehead. And this is critical. When you allow insecurity to judge the person in the mirror, you’re focusing not on all of you, but only on specific negatives as you zero in on that zit or some other point of disapproval. You’re not seeing all of you because insecurity is amplifying your negatives. Why does insecurity do this? Essentially, insecurity is a feeling of vulnerability and when humans feel insecure, we have a natural tendency to try to regain control. So when insecurity is steering your perceptions, you’re looking in the mirror not concerned with your positive attributes, you’re instead hyperfocused on what you feel might hurt you—your big nose, your crocked teeth. By focusing on your negatives you feel a sense that you’re doing something to protect yourself. At first this might sound strange, “By obsessing about my zit, I’m doing something?” What you’re doing is trying to take into account your short-comings while looking for ways to deal with these deficits. For example, if you feel your teeth are not white enough, you might begin to smile less, if your you don’t like your small chin you might find yourself covering your chin with your hand whenever you engage in a conversation—you’re always finding ways to hide, compensate, or otherwise sidestep that which you feel insecure about.
Aside from being hyperfocused on negativity, an insecure person’s view in the mirror is like a mental “snapshot.” You take a mental photo of those bags forming under your eyes or the thinning of their hair, which you then obsessively ruminate about in your mind. This static, photographic image isn’t what the world sees. The world sees you, not in a frozen moment, but in real time, moving, talking, and expressing emotions. What the world sees is an accumulation of many images that combine to form both a visual and a psychological impression. You’ve heard it said that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, well, try to embrace this concept, because regardless of what insecurity is feeding you—it’s true. Just because you see negatives, doesn’t mean anyone else does. Stop projecting your insecurity outward, assuming everyone else is transfixed on your zit or on your weight. Start reminding yourself that who you are and how people perceive you is up to you--all of you.
Perfectly Miserable Insecurity essentially erodes self-trust. Without trust, you seek to find ways to feel more in control. And since security is not something that comes from the outside in, you need to be careful about the ways you go about trying to feel more secure. If, for example, you’re relying on calorie counting and losing weight to determine whether you’re okay, then you’re dooming yourself to a life of constant torment and struggle--without ever really feeling okay. Sure you may feel a sense of momentary elation when you’ve “been good” with your calories, but this is a transient feeling. It’s also what fuels eating disorders, which are all about trying to control that which you feel vulnerable about. This is why it’s so important to build an understanding of the true dynamics involved with your dissatisfaction.
So, if you really want to be more attractive, forget about changing your hairstyle , getting a tan, or starving yourself, instead begin to work on the real problem--dismantling your insecurity and your misguided quest to be more perfect, “If only my skin were perfect,” Or, “If only my eyes were hair were straight,” Living in an imperfect world, the quest for perfection is a sure-fire way to be miserable. It’s not perfection you need, it’s release from the distortions and limitations of insecurity.
Self-Coaching Reflection Perfectionism is the enemy of legitimate happiness and serenity
If you’re interested in a Self-Coaching approach to dismantling insecurity in your life, I encourage you to visit my free, interactive website at www.self-coaching.net, or go to the HealthyLivingNYC.com website and “Ask Dr. Joe.” Your personal questions are welcome. It’s up to you to unleash your true and lasting beauty--if you’re serious about wanting to feel more content and improve your looks, stop looking in the mirror and start risking believing that you’re already okay.
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Written by Dr. Joe
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Are You a Worrywart? What’s wrong with a little innocent worry once in awhile? For most people, nothing. But for a worrywart, worry is anything but innocent--or occasional. Worry, especially chronic worry (which is the cornerstone of anxiety and depression), exacts a psychological price that is often exorbitant. Physically, our body may translate the stress and tension of worrying into headaches, stomach distress, hives, insomnia, lower immune system response, or even heart attacks--not to mention anxiety and depression. And whether it's warding off a common cold or being susceptible to cancer, there's no doubt our bodies abhor worry. Emotionally, worrying is no bargain either, leaving us feeling off balance, insecure, and often quite frantic. We become glass-half-empty pessimists, wringing our hands as we try to anticipate what might go wrong and how we're going to handle it. Worrywarts worry because their world has become riddled with doubt and distrust. If you can’t believe in life, you’re doomed to fear it. If nothing else, worry gives you a sense that at least you’re doing something to brace against life’s curve balls. Guess you could say spitting in the wind is doing something. Why We Worry Unfortunately, worrywarts feel there's little or no choice. Worry for them is the only way to survive things going wrong. Heaven help them if they get a bit complacent, lazy, or too relaxed--WHAM! Life will deliver them a blow from which they might not recover. If you’re a worrier, you’re probably convinced that if you worry enough, you might be able to figure out (control) all those what-ifs and then stop worrying. In a sense, you worry so you won't have to keep worrying. Sometimes, worry is a form of damage control--since you’re expecting the worst, you try to minimize the pain. And sometimes worry is just panic translated into thoughts. If, for example, you can’t believe you’ll survive that important meeting in the morning, you might find the anticipation of losing your job, being disgraced, and never–ever--having another opportunity, throwing you into a Chicken-Little mentality. And when the sky begins to fall, don’t count on getting much sleep. Self-Coaching Tip Worrying is the anticipation of chaos
Worry versus Concern
Why do we worry? Worrying is an attempt to counteract what you feel insecure about. Since you have so little trust in your capacity to handle life--to be spontaneously successful–you begin what-iffing in a twisted attempt to figure out what can go wrong before it happens. You become seduced by the notion that if you can figure out what’s in store for you (I call this time traveling), then you can feel less vulnerable. If not less vulnerable, then at least braced and ready. It would be like knowing the questions that are going to be asked on a test. Even Chicken Little’s panic was an attempt to do something--anything--rather then let the sky keep falling. Whenever I give a talk, I can count on someone asking, “Isn’t worry a normal part of life? I can’t imagine what would happen if I didn’t have any worries. You’ve got to admit, sometimes worry can be a good thing.” My response is always the same, “No, worry is never a good thing!” The reason I respond so adamantly has to do with understanding the difference between worry and concern. Being concerned has to do with circumstances and facts, i.e., let's say you hear that sleet is expected for the morning commute. It's good common sense to be concerned and to anticipate the extra drive-time and get on the road a half hour earlier. No problem here. Given the same scenario, the worrywart may also hit the road a half hour earlier, demonstrating the same good common sense. But then, unfortunately, since worry is driven by reflexive, insecure thinking, it’s not fact or circumstance that determines the worrywart’s thoughts, it’s insecurity, "What if I get stuck in traffic? What if I have an accident? “What-ifs” are not facts, they’re mental fictions generated by insecurity. And that’s why worry is never a good thing.
Self-Coaching Tip Being concerned is healthy because it is fact-based. Worrying is destructive because it is fiction-based.
Since what-iffing is based more on reflexive projections of insecurity, worrying has very little to do with actual here-and-now problems (facts) or their solutions. A worrywart suffers from chronic, often intense, insecurity. In the above example, it's not the difficulty with the morning commute that initiates the what-iffing, it's the worrier’s insecure presumption that, "Nothing ever goes right for me. I can survive only if I prepare for the worst." So, if you’re a worrier take a lesson from Mark Twain who once said, “I’ve worried about thousands of things in my life, most of which have never happened.” Next time you catch yourself worrying about something, ask yourself, Am I dealing with facts or fictions? (Hint: The future doesn’t exist. If you’re ruminating about something that hasn’t already happened, it’ a fiction!) By recognizing this simple distinction—facts versus fictions--you can begin to reclaim not only emotional solace and resilience, but you’ll also be adding years of healthy living to your life. And that’s a fact! |
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Written by Dr. Joe
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For many, the end of summer signals a time of transition—and sometimes, trepidation. As the trips to the beach, walks in the park, street fairs, and balmy nights yield to earlier sunsets, cooler nights, less humidity and the hint of seasonal change, it’s not unusual to experience an emotional shift. The leisure tempo and frivolity of summer are replaced by a more industrious, somber mood—one that anticipates the cold, dark days and months ahead--and you may notice subtle changes in your mood. For some, there may even be a hint of uneasiness, disquiet, or even depression. Why do we have such trouble with change?
Don’t think we’re the only species on earth who must deal with transition. A walk in the park will alert you to the squirrels gathering nuts and beginning to fatten up as they seek to put on their winter weight; overhead the honking Canada Geese form their languid, arching V-formations as they head for warmer lands; and the buzz-saw cacophony of summer cicadas slowly fades behind the ever present din of traffic. Clearly transitions and change are part of life itself.
The reluctance of humans to “transition” has to do with our basic evolutionary, make up; we are creatures of habit. If it weren’t so, you’d have to relearn to tie your shoes every morning and relearn to touch-type every day at the computer--habits make our world more efficient. Millions of years ago, nature anticipated the adaptational advantage of not having to reinvent the wheel every day and thus, we were blessed with a capacity for forming habits. Essentially, we become enamored with the familiar and tend to resist change and movement toward the unfamiliar. Most people find that change is usually accompanied by some degree of stress or anxiety as we are forced to alter our routine patterns and habits.
Unfortunately, our inclination to remain static is in direct contrast to the world we live in. And herein lies the problem. Like the creatures around us we, too, go through many unavoidable transitions in our lives. The change of seasons is only one example; we are challenged by illness, job demands, social and financial obligations--our world is anything but static. Yet in spite of all the change, we manage to somehow maintain a sense of continuity in our lives. Perhaps I should say the “illusion” of continuity. We do this because as resilient and capable as we humans are, we also abhor not being in control. And change typically feels like a loss of control—at least initially. A world that is perceived to be fragmented, variable, or erratic can easily produce feelings of stress and anxiety. We cling to the familiar, to the predictable, and to our illusion of a fixed world because it affords us another illusion that we are in control. There’s no doubt that some people are more adaptable and resilient, when it comes to life’s challenges, while others are challenged by the simplest break in their routine. The underlying variable that determines whether you are adaptable or not is your level of insecurity. What is insecurity? Insecurity is a learned habit of vulnerability. Let me explain. Insecurity is an inevitable by-product of living in an imperfect world. Since no one grows up in a perfect world, no one gets to escape illness, suffering, frustration, and so on. To some extent, we all have insecurity--it’s part of the human condition. Simply stated, insecurity is the anticipation of vulnerability.
Depending on your baseline level of insecurity, too much change can bring on feelings of vulnerability, loss of control, stress, tension, anxiety, or even a depressed mood. Since, we all have some degree of insecurity, we’ve all had the experience of being overwhelmed with circumstantial challenges: your report was rejected by your boss, you strained your back and can’t jog, your mother called and she needs money, your dog needs surgery—when circumstances pile up, even the most resilient can be brought to their knees. The longer that such a struggle persists, the more depleted you feel—physically as well as emotionally. The depleting effects of stress are felt not only emotionally, but also physically. Your brain chemistry is altered, not by the overwhelming circumstances of your life, but by your interpretation of these circumstances.
This is a critical point—it’s not life that depletes us, it’s how we interpret and react to our lives! Sure it’s hard to manage bad times, but I have a friend who maintains a posture of resilience and optimism in spite of the agonizing ordeal of chemotherapy. And yet I have patients who become distraught if their five-year-old isn’t invited to a birthday party. Bottom line: the ability to tolerate change is directly proportional to your degree of insecurity and to your attitude. Here’s why. If you are easily challenged by life and find yourself going into one tailspin after another, you need to recognize the importance of actively choosing to break the habit of insecure thinking and perception. Just because you have a knee-jerk reflex of insecurity doesn’t mean you have to remain victimized by it. You can choose to do something about how you handle your life and your challenges. Yes, that’s right, you can choose! It begins with the three A’s of change--awareness, action, acceptance:
Awareness. In order to dismantle insecurity, you must first be aware of how it manifests itself in your life. Insecurity speaks in the form of doubts, fears, and negatives. These are tip-offs to insecurity and it pays to be on the lookout for this type of thinking. Know your enemy. Action. Choose to change! You can think about changing your attitude. You can think about being more resilient and more adaptable, but unless you actually change your thoughts and attitudes, you’re just spinning wheels. Acceptance. Changing your attitude and challenging insecurity will often cause some discomfort. You may feel unsure, intimidated, or anxious. It’s important that you’re willing to accept some degree of discomfort if you’re going to break the habit of insecurity. Just keep in mind that it’s not at all unusual for change to feel initially uncomfortable. This isn’t because change is bad, it’s only because insecurity likes to cling to the tried and true.
The question you need to ask yourself is, How do you adjust to change? If you resist change, then you will be fighting life itself. Why? Because life is change. Even the physicists tell us that everything in the universe is in a state of flux, nothing remains static. If you cling to the illusion of permanence because of your insecurity, then you are setting yourself up for struggle. The answer isn’t in fighting to preserve more control and sense of permanence, the answer is in learning to flex with life, to flow from season to season without a clinging resentment. As we approach the change of seasons, see this as an opportunity to flex and yield, rather than holding onto and clinging. And the next time you look up and see a flock of Canada Geese flying overhead, recognize the metaphor that lives all around you—change and transition are a natural part of life, choose to let go and enjoy it.
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Written by Administrator
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With the advent of summer, millions of Americans begin their perennial ritual of planning for their vacation in hopes of recharging their depleted psychic batteries for yet another year. Unfortunately, for many people the bucolic vision of basking in the Caribbean sunshine, trekking through Yellowstone, or strolling through Ghirardelli Square is preceded by anticipatory dread and anxiety--fear of flying! Since 911, people’s fears, frustrations, and worries have understandably been heightened by increased security at airports. It doesn’t help seeing armed soldiers whose camouflaged uniforms contrast obscenely with the shorts and tee shirted travelers. Or the no-nonsense TSA officials who scrutinize you, “wand” you, and invade your personal space with blue, latexed-hands that pat down areas of your body typically reserved for your most intimate relationships. What we used to call fear of flying, now has a new look--it’s called terrorism! |
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